(To be sung with a twinkle in the eye, a very loud, drawn-out groan… and a long neck banjo)

♫ ♫ Och, I set aff fae Glasgow Central, bonnie and braw,

Thinkin’ o’ London Euston, and no delay at a’!

I had ma ticket, I had ma bunnet, I had ma flask o’ tea,

But the minute that the doors shut, the train forgot tae be. ♫ ♫

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♫ ♫ We sat there for an hour, then twa, then three, ma head began tae spin,

The guard cam’ on the tannoy, wi’ a voice like a mournful tin,

“We’re havin’ technical difficulties,” he said, and gave a sigh,

I leaned oot the window, and I swear I saw a sheep just wavin’ ‘bye! ♫ ♫

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♫ ♫ When finally we staggered doon, a half-day late, ye see,

I said, “Right, I’ll claim ma compensation, they’ll no get the better o’ me!”

I poured masel’ a whisky, pulled up ma big computer chair,

To battle wi’ the digital demons—the Delay Repay nightmare! ♫ ♫

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Chorus:

♫ ♫ O The clowns at Avanti West Coast make it difficult to get a refund with their crappy website!

It’s an absolute disgrace, a technological blight!

Ye click the wee box, then the form vanishes in a puff o’ smoke,

Ye enter in yer train details, and the whole damn server’s choked! ♫ ♫

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♫ ♫ It wants a PDF, then a JPEG, then the birth certificate o’ yer dog,

It’s easier tae wrestle a badger oot of a hollow log!

I’ve been sittin’ here for hours, swearin’ at the screen,

I’ve pressed every button that ma poor auld fingers have seen. ♫ ♫

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♫ ♫ If you wanted tae design a thing tae drive a lass tae tears,

Ye’d hire the same geniuses wha run Avanti’s digital snares!

They’ll spend a billion quid on new trains o’ the purest white,

But they cannae build a website that functions for a single night! ♫ ♫

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♫ ♫ So I’m sending them a letter, covered in my own spit and rage,

‘Cause I’d sooner climb Ben Nevis than turn another digital page!

Good luck tae us all, ma friend, we’re in the same late boat!

Now pass the aspirin, and a large, strong cup o’ stoat! ♫ ♫

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